I have looked back at my notes and correspondence and realize the treachery in having an affair. It all started with a friendship and went completely out of control. Given the right circumstances and temptation even the most steadfast can succumb. I was weak. I get blamed for a lot of things. Most of them aren't true.
You sure do tell a lot of lies when you are having an affair. I am surprised I didn't have a heart attack. I am still forgiving myself. Most every girl that meets me likes me but can sense I am wounded and withdrawn from anything physical and emotional. I have been told it will take me about half the time my relationship endured to recover. I am 8 months into a 16 year recovery apparently. I was with my ex for 32 years. I am 49. I am a catch BUT since I am so hurt it is evident I am not ready. My body language tells the full story.
It feels weird not being loved or cherished. I lost my childhood sweetheart and my girlfriend in one fell swoop. I suppose I was meant to stand alone for a while. I am telling you I am one of the good guys and if it can happen to me it can happen to anyone. Oh forgive me...I was living one big lie. This is my way of purging it. I have the letter that pinpoints EXACTLY when the switch flipped. It will come out eventually. Keep reading....
Looking back at Jaanu I think she would have *worked* me just as she did her husband. They are still together I am certain of it. He just wants his peace. He wants children and works hard, loves his drinks and games of cricket and badminton. He is a nice fellow really. I feel guilty in what I did to him by being with his wife for so long. Her personality type is one of being a helper and if she truly cannot help she will perceive herself as being helpful and secretly harbor resentments if she isn't appreciated. No amount of Reiki or crystal therapy will solve a personality trait. Both of them are talented but have such opposing personalities that it is difficult for them to connect emotionally and physically. One does not change personalities, you can only progress or digress within your own personality. Neither one of them actually know their personality so "self enlightenment" is going to be slow.
She seems to think she wants to adopt a pit bull when she is lucky to keep her plants alive. Pits can be nice dogs but when they attack they are lethal. Forget about it...I am a great dog trainer and even I know I am not prepared to have a dog in my life now. Yep, I lost my dog and cat in this debacle too...
Christmas day 2012 was awful. That was the day my ex wife found out. It wasn't long after Jaanu called my ex wife twice and they talked about me. I asked Jaanu to leave us alone. I believe that day was January 14th 2013.
Affairs are like addictions. Powerful addictions. My ex told her a bunch of make up stories and she bought them. Then my ex came after me like a tornado on a mobile home. Scorned woman is a good term.
The last person I was with was my wife on New Years Eve...She is and always will be beautiful to me. Her personality is not one that meshes well with mine.
My daughter would never accept Jaanu. My ex wife could not live with the fact that I had a long term affair.
When one has to make a choice I can tell you it is not so difficult.
I chose my daughter. Fuck it! We are always going to be close and I have to have a mission somewhere; it may as well be to help her. In reality, I love my daughter more than anyone on this planet.
She is angry with me but as the months have passed her mother has quietly distanced herself from my kid and we have bonded even closer. Tough to lose your home and family unit while you are away at college.
You may know my child as Ronin if you have read me in another incarnation. My pen name died as this affair unfolded.
Here is a letter to me on my birthday from Jaanu late March of 2012: I shall refer to us as Jaan and Jaanu instead of these other names...They are really what we called each other. In Hindi Jaanu and Jaan are the words only a very true lover uses for his/her sweetheart. I am Jaan. She is Jaanu.
Starts here as this is her writing to me....
"Truth be told, the moment I first heard your voice on the phone Jaan, I felt a strong bond with you and the moment when you met me and opened your arms to embrace me, I walked right in,stepping in your most loving embrace almost knowing I was 'home' right where I always belonged..Dec 6th 2011
Each time I look in your eyes, stumbling blue eyes..I see so much passion and longing for me Jaan..they reflect the incredibly intense desire that I feel for you too.
Looking back I feel my life was so colorless without you..I truly understand what desire and true love really feels like now.
Jaan, we will do all that it takes with as much compassion, calmness and a centered mind state to honor our feelings, taking full responsibility of all the consequences thereof.
We will survive them, we will recover and flourish together creating our own masterpiece . Our union will be full of purpose, richness and a strong desire to grow . I will be with you till my very last breath, love you until the end of time and beyond. Jaan, you have touched me so profoundly down to my core.I will never know those feelings of emptiness and loneliness again..you are such a gift to me..you are my angel..I shall always cherish you in my life..never ever will I ever take your love for granted
I love you very much,
We will always have this special bond between us..
My lovey Jaan,
Love you again,
Jaanu
So I conclude another passage. This note is from a married girl to a married boy. Unreal! Welcome to my f**king nightmare. Oh it gets crazier and that will reveal itself in time.
Peace be with you....
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