There she goes

You know my ex was a handful. I really did love her and I certainly claim a lot of responsibility for what transpired in our relationship.

I have also come to the conclusion that sharing this and reopening the wounds of my affair are making me sick. I am not sure if this is helpful or not.

I am so lost without being in love at the moment. I lost my childhood sweetheart to temptation. Of course if you understood her you would also know she is egocentric, proud and wants to impose her will on everyone around her. She doesn't talk to most people as equals. Sometimes she can be swaggering, boastful and expansive and her word in the house in her mind was "Law"...

She is the kind of person who causes everyone to scramble when she is on the scene.

Now at her best she is self assertive, self confident and strong. She takes initiative and champions others. She likes to be in control at all times and never ever wants to feel vulnerable.

I was often so stressed out from her constantly attempting to control me and everyone around her that I simply went elsewhere. I was just too worn out from all the confrontation. When she was loving it was intense; when she was miserable it was intense in a bad way.

Not pretty.

Jaanu? She was really a sweetheart underneath her gorgeous exterior and to me her beauty radiated from within. Always caring, very sensitive and so giving. Such a dichotomy from my childhood sweetheart. Sure, she would get agitated with the circumstances BUT she would return once she vented out her frustration with love and kindness. She was very different. My father has the same personality believe it or not. I am very close to my father and mother now that I am divorced. I missed seeing a lot of them all these years and it is a direct correlation to all the crap I would get from my ex about visiting them. So I make up for lost time.

I screwed that one up too. If I was half the man I claim, I would have discussed my feelings with the ex.

I chose to go underground and tell a pack of lies that will be a long time coming for self forgiveness.

I think I had enough.

I will NEVER marry someone with that same personality makeup ever again. They draw you in and smother you with control.

I'm done for now. I just don't have anything left in the tank. '

Peace