Silence

My divorce was final last month.

I haven't really accepted it as I have been with this my ex forever. I am still enjoying being my own person.

I have a daughter who is technically fully grown BUT she has suffered greatly. For the longest time she was (And still can be) angry with me. As time passes it becomes evident that I wasn't happy. Given a little distance and time from my ex certainly reveals her stripes. My daughter is hurting from being rejected by my ex wife. My daughter is me but in the girly way so it is easy for my ex to abandon her.

My hope is that they eventually heal together. We have to have a plan. My kid graduates next May. You never know if she marries or has children. One thing is for certain, our lives are bound together by our daughter.

I have 5 houses for sale. My life is in transition. I am happier by virtue of the fact there is no more drama and screaming. I lived with it for way too long. I was miserable.

Not all of my marriage was miserable. In fact, we were happy for a long time. The times we spent were precious to me.

I can give you a piece of advice and I hope you take it. I felt like I was an afterthought. A paycheck. A means to an end. I got sick and tired of hearing about how she didn't like this or that person because this or that reason. My relationship with my immediate family suffered greatly. Make sure you really take the time for your beloved. Given enough drama and selfishness you can lose them and because you aren't paying attention you will be the last to know they have checked out. My ex would like to tell you she was astute. Nope...Just greedy and self centered. She never knew....Damn. I wore my stress on my body, what more does it take?

I don't know what I want any longer other than to settle my life and make sure my daughter is successful.

This is my mission.

I am still in love with Jaanu. God only knows what she is doing. I leave her alone. I ruined that relationship by being out of sorts with my residual self image as a patriarch, father and husband. I miss and love her. I always will. Perhaps we will work it out in another lifetime.

I know Jaanu loves me but I also realize she is great at blocking things out of her mind. I can compartmentalize all sorts of stress but I remember everything. She comes in and out looking for me. I see it. I also know she goes where she thinks she is needed.

I am afraid to reveal too much. Give me time.

Jaanu is a 2 on the enneagram scale with a dominant 1 wing although her 3 wing is also prevalent. It is as evident as the day is long. While she seeks all kinds of "healing" she really hasn't understood what her personality type entails.

I am a 3 with a dominant 2 wing. As with personality types I have a 4 wing and can get things done.

I am motivated by love. So is Jaanu. This is an intoxicating blend I must confess.

My ex is an 8 and quite egocentric and domineering. They are impossible and the more they push and batter the more they feel like they are misunderstood. They are motivated by power.

Meeting Jaanu awakened in me something that I have never experienced before. I will forever love her. She will find a cause and one day may understand her basic fear is to be unwanted or unworthy of being loved.

She is loved and has so much potential. I know this as I will forever love her. Her fears are not real. Neither are mine. I have learned I can be alone. While I am alone I have a great network of friends. I am never lonely.

Peace,
Jaan