There she goes

You know my ex was a handful. I really did love her and I certainly claim a lot of responsibility for what transpired in our relationship.

I have also come to the conclusion that sharing this and reopening the wounds of my affair are making me sick. I am not sure if this is helpful or not.

I am so lost without being in love at the moment. I lost my childhood sweetheart to temptation. Of course if you understood her you would also know she is egocentric, proud and wants to impose her will on everyone around her. She doesn't talk to most people as equals. Sometimes she can be swaggering, boastful and expansive and her word in the house in her mind was "Law"...

She is the kind of person who causes everyone to scramble when she is on the scene.

Now at her best she is self assertive, self confident and strong. She takes initiative and champions others. She likes to be in control at all times and never ever wants to feel vulnerable.

I was often so stressed out from her constantly attempting to control me and everyone around her that I simply went elsewhere. I was just too worn out from all the confrontation. When she was loving it was intense; when she was miserable it was intense in a bad way.

Not pretty.

Jaanu? She was really a sweetheart underneath her gorgeous exterior and to me her beauty radiated from within. Always caring, very sensitive and so giving. Such a dichotomy from my childhood sweetheart. Sure, she would get agitated with the circumstances BUT she would return once she vented out her frustration with love and kindness. She was very different. My father has the same personality believe it or not. I am very close to my father and mother now that I am divorced. I missed seeing a lot of them all these years and it is a direct correlation to all the crap I would get from my ex about visiting them. So I make up for lost time.

I screwed that one up too. If I was half the man I claim, I would have discussed my feelings with the ex.

I chose to go underground and tell a pack of lies that will be a long time coming for self forgiveness.

I think I had enough.

I will NEVER marry someone with that same personality makeup ever again. They draw you in and smother you with control.

I'm done for now. I just don't have anything left in the tank. '

Peace

The hook and bait...

This letter is the one of the many hooks that caught me...I am dumb. Written Sat Oct 22nd 2011. The path to divorce is ugly and filled with treachery.

Hi there,

I wish you were awake to read this message at this hour from me- wanted to share with you this chance encounter I had with a wonderful woman this evening, while I was at Barnes looking for the book..Saran was home, we had an early dinner and while he was in a mood to watch a movie, I was getting anxious to leave the house for a bit, get some air and lighten up..I drove to barnes and all the way I was longing to talk on the phone to you or anyone to whom I could pour out my heart to..and so it happened!

I was at a section browsing through the books and next to me was this lovely stranger who was also browsing for a book by Dr Brian Weiss (Can you believe that??) ..we glanced and smiled at each other..and I felt very instinctively drawn to talk to her..I noticed  ,she was holding a book by the same author I was looking for and so we got chatting...and one thing led to another..we shared similar interests around books, spirituality ..etc and she almost instantly opened up about her life.She has been married to a very nice man for over 20 years, has a daughter in High school but is deeply in love and involved with another man who is was once married and is 12 years older to her..As I heard her talk, I was in tears  ..I just couldn't hold back..I needed someone to talk to so badly and I found so much comfort and support in this absolute stranger who shared some heart warming insights from her experiences..there was so much synchronicity .. She told me about this man whom she kept referring to as her ''soul mate'' and that they have been together since 5 years..she meets him once a month but their  bond has withstood a lot of strain and how they have stuck together through the years ..we chatted up for nearly 45 minutes and she talked about both of them having undergone past life regression together with a therapist and both of them believe that they have shared many lives together.. This was too much of a coincidence for me today!! she said a lot of things from her experience ..Jaan, I heard from her the very things I needed to hear ..she talked about her boyfriend , their relationship and the strength they both draw from each other was so heart warming to hear about..she said that her guy is now divorced but since she is not in a position to divorce her husband ,  yet he is willing to wait for her till the end of his life ..

In short, I would say she left me feeling hell lot lighter, happier and clearer in my head..I do feel less conflicted about my feelings and my faith in life feels stronger..

I feel very very loved after a long time and I feel this incipient tingle of love in me that I would hate to relinquish for anyone..

anyways, I am sorry I have been so slothful in my spirits last two days..I do sense that there might be more moments of confusion and stress..I hope I have you to hold me up like always and likewise,I shall too

Oh and by the ways, guess the woman's name? This was a real shocker to me when she gave her name as Ron1n!

It was a crazy evening! and hear this , I could not find the book I had gone looking for!

Hope Ron1n is home , safe and wishing you a great weekend together..its late, almost time for beddies dear,

goodnight

...

I never met her before physically although we talked on the phone at this point.. Wow, she was certainly giving me secret email addresses and secret pass codes. This stuff was scintillating. I was drawn in and so neglected at home...

Temptation is a slow dance. I was in the presence of a professional and I am but a rank amateur. I certainly was falling in love. I could sense it even if it was wrong in every detail. 

Peace, 

Jaan 

Jaanu's Note to me on my birthday March of 2012

I have looked back at my notes and correspondence and realize the treachery in having an affair. It all started with a friendship and went completely out of control. Given the right circumstances and temptation even the most steadfast can succumb. I was weak. I get blamed for a lot of things. Most of them aren't true. 

You sure do tell a lot of lies when you are having an affair. I am surprised I didn't have a heart attack. I am still forgiving myself. Most every girl that meets me likes me but can sense I am wounded and withdrawn from anything physical and emotional. I have been told it will take me about half the time my relationship endured to recover. I am 8 months into a 16 year recovery apparently. I was with my ex for 32 years. I am 49. I am a catch BUT since I am so hurt it is evident I am not ready. My body language tells the full story. 

It feels weird not being loved or cherished. I lost my childhood sweetheart and my girlfriend in one fell swoop. I suppose I was meant to stand alone for a while. I am telling you I am one of the good guys and if it can happen to me it can happen to anyone. Oh forgive me...I was living one big lie. This is my way of purging it. I have the letter that pinpoints EXACTLY when the switch flipped. It will come out eventually. Keep reading....

Looking back at Jaanu I think she would have *worked* me just as she did her husband. They are still together I am certain of it. He just wants his peace. He wants children and works hard, loves his drinks and games of cricket and badminton. He is a nice fellow really. I feel guilty in what I did to him by being with his wife for so long. Her personality type is one of being a helper and if she truly cannot help she will perceive herself as being helpful and secretly harbor resentments if she isn't appreciated. No amount of Reiki or crystal therapy will solve a personality trait. Both of them are talented but have such opposing personalities that it is difficult for them to connect emotionally and physically. One does not change personalities, you can only progress or digress within your own personality. Neither one of them actually know their personality so "self enlightenment" is going to be slow. 

She seems to think she wants to adopt a pit bull when she is lucky to keep her plants alive. Pits can be nice dogs but when they attack they are lethal. Forget about it...I am a great dog trainer and even I know I am not prepared to have a dog in my life now. Yep, I lost my dog and cat in this debacle too...

Christmas day 2012 was awful. That was the day my ex wife found out. It wasn't long after Jaanu called my ex wife twice and they talked about me. I asked Jaanu to leave us alone. I believe that day was January 14th 2013.
Affairs are like addictions. Powerful addictions. My ex told her a bunch of make up stories and she bought them. Then my ex came after me like a tornado on a mobile home. Scorned woman is a good term.   

The last person I was with was my wife on New Years Eve...She is and always will be beautiful to me. Her personality is not one that meshes well with mine. 

My daughter would never accept Jaanu. My ex wife could not live with the fact that I had a long term affair. 

When one has to make a choice I can tell you it is not so difficult. 

I chose my daughter. Fuck it! We are always going to be close and I have to have a mission somewhere; it may as well be to help her. In reality, I love my daughter more than anyone on this planet. 

She is angry with me but as the months have passed her mother has quietly distanced herself from my kid and we have bonded even closer. Tough to lose your home and family unit while you are away at college. 

You may know my child as Ronin if you have read me in another incarnation. My pen name died as this affair unfolded. 

Here is a letter to me on my birthday from Jaanu late March of 2012: I shall refer to us as Jaan and Jaanu instead of these other names...They are really what we called each other. In Hindi Jaanu and Jaan are the words only a very true lover uses for his/her sweetheart. I am Jaan. She is Jaanu. 

Starts here as this is her writing to me....

"Truth be told, the moment I first heard your voice on the phone Jaan, I felt a strong bond with you and the moment when you met me and opened your arms to embrace me, I walked right in,stepping in your most loving embrace almost knowing I was 'home' right where I always belonged..Dec 6th 2011

Each time I look in your eyes, stumbling blue eyes..I see so much passion and longing for me Jaan..they reflect the incredibly intense desire that I feel for you too. 

Looking back I feel my life was so colorless without you..I truly understand what desire and true love really feels like now. 

Jaan, we will do all that it takes with as much compassion, calmness and a centered mind state to honor our feelings, taking full responsibility of all the consequences thereof.

We will survive them, we will recover and flourish together creating our own masterpiece . Our union will be full of purpose, richness and a strong desire to grow . I will be with you till my very last breath, love you until the end of time and beyond. Jaan, you have touched me so profoundly down to my core.I will never know those feelings of emptiness and loneliness again..you are such a gift to me..you are my angel..I shall always cherish you in my life..never ever will I ever take your love for granted

I love you very much,

We will always have this special bond between us..

My lovey Jaan,

Love you again,
Jaanu

So I conclude another passage. This note is from a married girl to a married boy. Unreal! Welcome to my f**king nightmare. Oh it gets crazier and that will reveal itself in time. 

Peace be with you....

Silence

My divorce was final last month.

I haven't really accepted it as I have been with this my ex forever. I am still enjoying being my own person.

I have a daughter who is technically fully grown BUT she has suffered greatly. For the longest time she was (And still can be) angry with me. As time passes it becomes evident that I wasn't happy. Given a little distance and time from my ex certainly reveals her stripes. My daughter is hurting from being rejected by my ex wife. My daughter is me but in the girly way so it is easy for my ex to abandon her.

My hope is that they eventually heal together. We have to have a plan. My kid graduates next May. You never know if she marries or has children. One thing is for certain, our lives are bound together by our daughter.

I have 5 houses for sale. My life is in transition. I am happier by virtue of the fact there is no more drama and screaming. I lived with it for way too long. I was miserable.

Not all of my marriage was miserable. In fact, we were happy for a long time. The times we spent were precious to me.

I can give you a piece of advice and I hope you take it. I felt like I was an afterthought. A paycheck. A means to an end. I got sick and tired of hearing about how she didn't like this or that person because this or that reason. My relationship with my immediate family suffered greatly. Make sure you really take the time for your beloved. Given enough drama and selfishness you can lose them and because you aren't paying attention you will be the last to know they have checked out. My ex would like to tell you she was astute. Nope...Just greedy and self centered. She never knew....Damn. I wore my stress on my body, what more does it take?

I don't know what I want any longer other than to settle my life and make sure my daughter is successful.

This is my mission.

I am still in love with Jaanu. God only knows what she is doing. I leave her alone. I ruined that relationship by being out of sorts with my residual self image as a patriarch, father and husband. I miss and love her. I always will. Perhaps we will work it out in another lifetime.

I know Jaanu loves me but I also realize she is great at blocking things out of her mind. I can compartmentalize all sorts of stress but I remember everything. She comes in and out looking for me. I see it. I also know she goes where she thinks she is needed.

I am afraid to reveal too much. Give me time.

Jaanu is a 2 on the enneagram scale with a dominant 1 wing although her 3 wing is also prevalent. It is as evident as the day is long. While she seeks all kinds of "healing" she really hasn't understood what her personality type entails.

I am a 3 with a dominant 2 wing. As with personality types I have a 4 wing and can get things done.

I am motivated by love. So is Jaanu. This is an intoxicating blend I must confess.

My ex is an 8 and quite egocentric and domineering. They are impossible and the more they push and batter the more they feel like they are misunderstood. They are motivated by power.

Meeting Jaanu awakened in me something that I have never experienced before. I will forever love her. She will find a cause and one day may understand her basic fear is to be unwanted or unworthy of being loved.

She is loved and has so much potential. I know this as I will forever love her. Her fears are not real. Neither are mine. I have learned I can be alone. While I am alone I have a great network of friends. I am never lonely.

Peace,
Jaan

Darting around

I still am working on forgiving myself. This isn't always easy.

While I don't reach out to the love of my life I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love her and I always will. Timing and clarity are not always concurrent.

It isn't everyday that one is in love with someone else while they are married. I had no idea how to act or behave.

Imagine living two lives. You are in pain from hurting long term loves and in pain from hiding your feelings.

You are in pain from being in love with someone who is married as well as living a living a dual life.

That rocked my world. It rocked everyone else.

I am not crazy however and one thing is for certain. She provided a catalyst to escape my former long term relationship. It was killing me.

I no longer have neurodermatitis, blood pressure issues or cardiac troubles. I run faster than ever and I am in perhaps the best physical shape of my life.

Toxic relationships are deadly. Jaanu saved my life. I owe her a debt of gratitude I may never be able to repay.

Breathing the fresh air today is a blessing.

Peace be with you,
Jaan

Prelude to a kiss

Hello everyone,

I am in great pain. I once was a family man and the pillar of my community. I am only half the man I used to be. I live now in the servitude of what family I have left which is my side of the family and my daughter. My friends have stuck with me and those who have escaped were not really my friends. You will know your friends as they will stay beside you even if they don't approve of what you have done.

I lost my childhood sweetheart and the love of my life in the process. Unfortunately, they are not one in the same. It will become evident to you in time.

I do not know where to begin my saga of love and lost love.

I will draw a line in the sand here as it is perhaps the most significant of our early correspondence. I had not physically seen her but we both knew there was a connection that extended beyond time and space and the temptation to be near one another kept growing inside both of us.

For the purpose of this exercise and to protect all of our loved ones my name is Jaan and my beloved twin flame is Jaanu. This couple Jaanu and Jaan had been ripped apart centuries before; just know the names are significant to the story.

Here is the prelude. Relax and enjoy for this journey is full of beauty and confusion. At the end of the day I will accept complete responsibility for my actions and the outcome. We don't get any chances to do anything over so when you fuck something up, make sure you fuck it up completely. You see failure is not the opposite of success. Failure means you are still trying. Quitting IS the opposite of success for when you quit you utterly fail....

I wish things were different but life isn't always going to grant all of your wishes. No worries, I haven't quit.

In the midst of a marital affair one tells a LOT of lies. It is the nature of an affair and I am not unique in this regard. I regret the lies I told and if I could do it over again I would have run straight to Jaanu and never batted an eyelash. She is and shall remain the love of my life. I hope someday she will forgive me and trust me again for I am only but half of the equation. Maybe in another lifetime, who knows?

Here is the first letter that Jaanu had written me which was the prelude for my visits and subsequent love. You have to remember I am married to someone else during this time and these are not letters from my ex wife.

"I think about us and wonder why do I love you so madly. The thought of you make every nerve in my body snap.  I feel like I have always loved you and have found you after a long time. I am almost frightened with the thought of losing you again..
I don't know what this is going to lead us to but I know our intention is not dishonorable. 

I don't know what fate has in store for us but I do know that I love you deeply and your happiness means the world to me. I would never want us to ever turn selfish and put our friendship over our families and its priorities. The truth also is,  I would turn stale and lifeless again if I was to block my heart and put off my feelings. You have  awakened me in a way I could have never imagined possible

I see you in my dreams just as you see me. you are always with me

lovey"

More to come.

Peace be with you,
Jaan